my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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