I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
