I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
