i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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