i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
