i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
