dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
