I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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