Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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