Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
