I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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