I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Randomize
