Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Don't make out with my wife yet
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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