I could have mohawked her pubes.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
