Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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