Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
