I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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