My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
