Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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