It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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