How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
