My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
