I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
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It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
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pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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