final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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