Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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