I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
