You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
