you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
