i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
