This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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