i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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