I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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