So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
