Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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