Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
