Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
