I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
