If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
