I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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