i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
