he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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