Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
