its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
