my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
