she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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