i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
