I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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