I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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