I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
