mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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