dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
