I'm going to jail i love you
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
