I heard we made out
I'm going to jail i love you
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
