Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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