if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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