Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
