got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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