i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
