Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
