apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Floor bacon is actually really good
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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